Thoughts race through my mind as a look over a table filled with paints, and brushes and pencils, cups of muddy water and half burnt candles, a stray tape dispenser and scissors...
Is this worth it? Or am I trying to live someone else's dream?
There are so many who believe. So many who have encouraged me. I know that there is potential here, but how do I make that reality? I feel like our family is on the brink of something amazing. I really do. But is it foolish of me to stand at the edge of a canyon? I know there are ways to make legitimate income at hourly jobs. We've done that before. We've been there.
When my husband came back from the oil rigs, and his back was injured, we had no idea how we were going to survive. It's been nearly 11 months, and still we are waiting for closure. The company that he worked for denied our worker's compensation claim and in the course of their investigation, since we were without income, our medical insurance lapsed. So now we sit, waiting for an appeal hearing which has not yet come to fruition. 11 months. No steady paycheck. And yet somehow we have managed to survive.
Now I know it's no coincidence. I know that there have been miraculous things that have happened. And I know for a fact that there are some who don't believe in miracles. You are perfectly within your rights to not believe, but if I listed the number of times that people who have NO CLUE the depth of our situation have stepped in with exactly what we needed at the last possible moment over the course of the past year, you'd be eating your tongue. I have always had a strong faith, but now... It's overwhelming. It's EASY to say you believe. But when within 24 hours, you'll lose your lights and water and car insurance, and "somehow" something "just happens to come through" and all those bills are paid.... It makes you look up and KNOW... I thought I knew before ... But it's tangible now.
We are in the final days leading up to our hearing... Until this is over, my husband can't seek medical attention for a severe herniation in his L5 lumbar. The beauty of our situation is that although he has numbness and an OBVIOUS injury to his back, he isn't in pain. I'm praising for that. It's hard, but it's not hopeless.
Our hearing should be in May. That's what they tell us anyways. We'll see what happens. All I know is that regardless of the time... Regardless of the outcome... We'll be okay. I've never really understood before...
"“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart."
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”
So instead of throwing my brushes away and returning to "safety"... I'm going to stay right where my feet are firmly planted. I'm choosing hope.